Cocaine Bear vs. Meth Gator

 

“Just say no.” 

• Nancy Reagan

Cocaine Bear, the Bear on Cocaine.

Meth Gator, the Gator on Meth.

Drugs. One of the most dangerous substances on earth, especially cocaine and meth, things that could cause any person to go wild, and become addicted. However, what if we gave them…to ANIMALS? That’s right, we get these two. 

When the black bear from Georgia meets the gator from Florida, which of these drug addicted animals will come out on top in this Media Mania!

Also yes. This is an unironic blog. Don’t ask.

Before We Begin…

Do you really need a media list? We are using the Cocaine Bear and Meth Gator movies. We will also be comparing these animals to their IRL counterparts.

Thank you to Ninjamonkey and Cabbage for the Background art and Thumbnail respectively.

Background

Cocaine Bear 

“The bear… it loves coke!”

The year was 1985. Coca Cola was rebranded with their original formula. Michael Jordan was named NBA rookie of the year. Ronald Reagan became the President of the United States again. And somewhere in the heart of St. Louis, Missouri, the drug kingpin Syd White suffered a great loss; an entire shipment of cocaine was dropped in multiple states, after a failed parachute attempt from drug smuggler Andrew C. Thorton II. An entire crate fell into Knoxville, Tennessee, and the rest landed somewhere in the Chattahoochee-Oconee National Forest. While they recovered the Tennessee findings, they couldn’t seem to find the cocaine in northeast Georgia. Someone had gotten to it first. Someone…or something. Eating several kilograms of cocaine, this black bear became a legend based on true events; Hiking was no longer a peaceful walk through nature, as along the path of dusty roads and white powder, was the most terrifying apex predator for the next 95 minutes; the Cocaine Bear. 

Meth Gator

“You think you gotta kill a gator? On meth?”

Somewhere on an island called Sweet Water Point near the bay of Florida, the police were right on the trail of meth smugglers, as it was considered a third degree felony in the state of Florida. While they thought they had the smugglers cornered, they somehow made a break for it, but what happened next could only be described as the biggest drug bust of the century. But the cops couldn’t stop it! It was a large swamp alligator, turning the smugglers into food before letting its curiosity get the best of him, munching on loads of illegal methamphetamine. The creature put the island on lockdown, and all would fear the next blockbuster of the 21st century; the Meth Gator. 

Abilities

Cocaine Bear

Black Bear Physiology 

Cocaine Bear is an Ursus americanus, or more commonly known as a black bear. Black Bears are mainly known for being able to sleep for long periods of time without consuming anything or using the metaphorical bear bathroom. This is also known as hibernation. While Black Bears usually eat about 5000 calories, to prepare for hibernation in the fall they eat around 20000 calories. Black Bears also have an incredible sense of hearing. It is even stated to be twice as sensitive as us lowly humans. Along with hearing, bears also have a great sense of smell. A sense of smell that is seven times better than a bloodhound's sense of smell.

Of course these senses are probably not very usable, since this bear is on cocaine.

However, Cocaine Bear is good at using its claws and teeth into its targets. These teeth can bite with a force of 744.3 Newtons, and their claws are 2.5 inches, sharper and curvier than even a grizzly bears. It also has a thick coat of fur which can both absorb heat and soften blows against it.

Meth Gator 

Alligator Physiology

Meth Gator is a member of the genus Alligator mississippiensis, also known as the American Alligator. Alligators are known primarily for their large size, with most male alligators being about 3.4 meters in length, or around 11 feet in the imperial system, and can vary between 500-600 lbs, or can weigh up to 1,000 lbs from recorded specimens.  However, Meth Gator specifically is 9 meters long, as stated in the film - bigger than any IRL Alligator, big enough to swallow a person whole.

In addition, they have a bite force of over 13.000 newtons, enough to crack a human skull. In addition, however, alligators possess great movement within swamps, giving them decent mobility in both water and land, thriving in areas with water moreso. 

Alligators also have some of the strongest senses of touch in nature, being able to sense the movement of individual droplets of water even while being bombarded by white noise via the tiny ripples the droplets produced in the water, making escaping them while in the water nigh-impossible for their prey, due to the receptors in their facial area letting them detect even the smallest vibrations.

Arsenal 

Cocaine Bear 

Cocaine

Often called coke, crack, stardust, or C17H21NO4, cocaine is a highly addictive stimulant drug shaped in little white rocks that enter the central nervous system. These grant the user rewarding effects via snorting, injecting, or mixing in with water. Side effects include;

• Speeding up messages that travel from the body to the brain

• Higher blood pressure and heartbeat

• Feeling physically strong and mentally sharp

• Extreme indifference to pain

• Unpredictable, wild, and vicious behavior

• Very happy 

If the Cocaine Bear movie is to line up with the original story, the Cocaine Bear would have consumed 70 POUNDS OF COCAINE! (Or more likely, 3-4 grams though the movie has her consume a duffel bag so it's likely closer to 70 pounds). Throughout the movie, it is shown that she has a cocaine addiction, as upon seeing it, will stop whatever she is doing to munch on it, to the point of waking up upon the smell of cocaine. 

Meth Gator

Meth

Another stimulant that speeds up the body’s central nervous system, meth looks like pretty little crystals that boosts your dopamine, a brain chemical that plays a part in the body’s movement and rational thought, particularly telling you to repeat behaviors that make you feel very good. The effects of meth include;

• Feeling more alert and confident

• More talkative and sporadic in movement

• Increase in body temperature

• Less sleep and need to eat

• Tension in the muscles, heart, and chest

In the movie, the Meth Gator eats up a whopping 50 pounds of the stuff at the start, and he only eats more and more as the movie goes along. It also seems to give him superhuman strength, speed, and durability, as he becomes inexplicably way stronger.

Skin

Meth Gator skin has very durable skin that acts as armor. It has blocked bullets from many… MANY types of weapons and was even shown to shed as a way for Meth Gator to fake his death.

Stats 

Cocaine Bear

Feats

• Ingested a duffel bag of cocaine

• Took down an ambulance

• Came back from the brink of death

• Killed a lot of people

Attack Potency

• Smashes through a wooden sign (shown above)

• American Black Bears have a bite force of 800 PSI and a swinging force of 650 lbs and are stated to be two times stronger than mountain lions

• Sends people flying multiple times throughout the film

• Broke through a glass window with its paw

• Chewed off a woman's leg

• Knocked a door off its hinges

• Off-screen tore someone in half and decapitated them

• Slices open a man’s stomach with a swipe from her claws

Durability 

• A branch breaks off her face (shown above)

• Runs through a sign with no damage

• Is shot by a gun and thought to be killed, but sniffing cocaine brought it back to life, regenerating from the wound and spitting the bullet out

Speed

• Caught up to a speeding ambulance (shown above)

• American Black Bears can run up to 30 mph

• Climbs up a tree, quickly climbs down, and climbs up another one

• Easily scales a waterfall

Meth Gator

Feats

• Ingested a duffel bag of meth

• Put the entire island on the ‘dangerous waters’ list

• Faked his death by shedding his skin

• Killed a lot of people

Attack Potency 

• Took down a radio tower with his sheer weight (shown above)

• American Alligators have a bite force of 13,172 Newtons of force which is over 3000 PSI

• Tore off a woman’s leg

• Bisected a man with a bite

• Made a hole in a wooden wall

• Slapped a car with its tail, knocking it aside and creating a huge dent

• Destroyed a firetruck 

Durability

• Survived being shot with a machine gun, pistol, and shotgun at once (shown above)

• Tanked several shots from a hunting rifle and a shotgun

• Took shots from a pistol

• Survived being shot with a rocket launcher (0.24 Tons of TNT)

Speed

• Moves across Sweet Water Point in a short amount of time

• American Alligators swim at 20 mph

• Caught a drone mid-air

• Jumped onto a zipline from the ground in a second

Experience/Skill/IQ/Other

Cocaine Bear

Black bears are almost entirely animalistic, and lots of their socialization and learning comes from their hunting and foraging of food, which they teach to their cubs. They can open jars and doors despite having no opposable thumbs, and when it comes to hunting are typically very efficient, although due to this bear being on cocaine…some problems may arise, namely in its overall behavior. But in the pursuit of the substance, the Cocaine Bear can do most things a normal black bear can do, such as using stealth to ambush the humans and even climbing trees pretty normally.

Meth Gator

Alligators are very dangerous, even when they’re not hungry. Their tactics almost always rely on stealth, to the point where they have used the environment to their advantage to blend in with the waters, covering their heads with sticks to fool birds into thinking its a nest, and usually ambush any prey foolish enough to come to the water banks, and like their crocodile brethren, commonly use the death roll to kill their prey, spinning in the water to rip apart animals and dismember them. The Meth Gator, despite being on meth, has shown stealth, even on land, staying out of sight until the last moment to get the jump on its victims. In the film, it even fools the main characters by faking its death with his shed skin, making it look like his regular body, while he actually survived.

Weaknesses

Cocaine Bear

While a bear doesn’t have too many exploitable weaknesses, they can overheat during chases, although that issue isn’t really a factor due to the bear being on cocaine. However, its reliance on cocaine is very much an addiction, to the point where it will stop whatever it is doing at the slightest whiff of cocaine. The more cocaine you take in, the more the dependency on it rises depending on the size, weight, and medical history of the person, and giving up cocaine can lead to a withdrawal, and aftereffects such as headaches, lung damage, and potentially could enter a coma or stroke. 

Meth Gator

Meth Gator should have most of the typical weaknesses an alligator would, such as having poor eyesight, and can be equally vulnerable for an attack if someone was to get in their blindspots. While normally alligators have a weak stomach, this issue is solved by the fact that the alligator is enhanced in durability. However, its addiction to meth can make it very easy to go against, as more often than not it’ll stop what it is doing to munch on more meth, and if off meth for too long, various side effects can kick in such as fatigue and shakiness, and will be much weaker post-meth. 

Verdicts

Tru

My live reaction

So like… we decided to do this blog in a 1:00 AM call… Could you tell? Overall this blog was super fun to make as watching Meth Gator in a call with your homies is a peak experience you should try for yourself. Anyway let's begin with talking about…

Stats

I'll keep it shortish and sweet… the fucking GATOR WHO TOOK A SHOT FROM AN RPG HAS HIGHER STATS! Like no seriously this Gator is indeed from Florida because only two types of people can take such pain. Those from Florida and those from Ohio. And while we can't prove the Meth Gator’s durability scales to his AP… it wouldn't matter since his destruction of a fire truck, pushing of a car and knocking over a radio tower easily surpass that of the Cocaine Bears, whose best feats include knocking over a door, having a powerful bite (which is way lower than a Gator’s bite) and taking a bullet from a pistol. Meanwhile, Meth Gator takes hits from a pistol, a shotgun and an AK all at once. Yeah Meth Gator is stronger and more durable lol. However, Cocaine Bear is likely faster on land as black bears can run up to 30 MPH. Despite this, Meth Gator could likely keep up seeing as they keep up with humans, drones and dart across the island pretty quickly throughout the entire film. To make things worse, if the fight ever makes it to water, Meth Gator is much faster moving at 20 MPH along with being in a more comfortable environment.

Abilities and Arsenal

Yeah neither have much to talk about with these two. They both have claws and sharp teeth. The biggest thing of note is that Meth Gators skin is much better at defending than Cocaine Bears fur. Cocaine Bear’s fur could maybe help soften a blow but only one of their armors could help defend against a bullet.

And it wasn't Cocaine Bear’s.

But what about comparing Cocaine and Meth? Apologies to the FBI Agent watching my phone. Well both have consumed an even amount of their choice drug being a duffel bag full. However, Meth Gator had also consumed more throughout the film and by some characters' statements, became stronger and harder to control as the movie went on. While both seem to be very unaffected by the use of drugs, enhanced even (Cocaine Bear woke up after being shot due to cocaine and Meth Gator got stronger), Meth Gator seems to get a much better boost out of Meth than Cocaine Bear does.

Tertiary

Yeah Meth Gator is better here. He opened an underground bunker and faked his own death. Cocaine Bear had never shown any intelligence on that level in her life. Both are stealthy and have animal survival instincts but being able to operate human made doors and FAKING HIS OWN DEATH gives Meth Gator a major intelligence edge. He likely even takes skill with the way he surgically takes down vehicles with a tail swipe. To add more meth in the wound Meth Gator also survives with his drug over multiple days while Cocaine Bear only lasts one. All of the tertiary factors go to Meth Gator.

Conclusion

Meth Gator stomps.

I don't know how else to spin it. His stats are better, his limited abilities are better, his intelligence is better. Idk his movie is worse and he's slower until the fight is taken into water and he dominates Cocaine Bear.

Cocaine Bear tried to take a crack at finding a method, but she got lost in the sauce and bit off more than she could chew. The winner is Meth Gator.

door-kun

Play Project SEKAI, please. It’s very good. Ena is literally me.

God, this is the dumbest blog to be my first solo verdict on, and yet I regret nothing.

So, hi! I’m door-kun, everyone’s favorite girlfail in this community! I’ve done work on a lot of various blogs, helped run a couple of debate months, spread my shit tastes to many people, spread my Outer Persona propaganda (it’s legit btw) Anyways, I’m here to give my first solo verdict on…

…Yeah. This match was a joke we came up with and decided to run with late in VC last night, and y’know what? It’s funny as fuck, and after watching Meth Gator? I actually like this a good amount, weirdly enough. It’d be a fun episode as a spoof on dumb matchups as a goofy April Fools episode - it’d be really fun to talk about this stuff for a bit with some friends,and it’d be a fun time. Make this the next joke episode, please and thank you.

Anyways, this match isn’t too complex, fortunately. Cocaine Bear has some pretty decent feats - tearing people up, catching up to an ambulance, some good survivability stuff too, but Meth Gator is just… fucking absurd, honestly, in comparison. The man’s survivability is insane, and we can’t even just attribute it to his skin, considering the fact the RPG shot was fired INSIDE OF HIS MOUTH and he still survived, somehow? Not to mention his size advantage due to him being larger than literally any living alligator, because why wouldn’t he be? Not to mention the fact that his drugs seem to have less drawbacks on his senses, as while Cocaine Bear’s senses are definitely worse post the ingestion, Meth Gator if anything got stronger in senses? Somehow? Even if you argue evenness in  that regard, Meth Gator’s senses let him smell meth inside an underground lab that was sealed with a hatch, something above anything Cocaine Bear’s done.

This also leads into Meth Gator’s massive edge in tertiary factors, because the intelligence advantage here is kinda wild. While Cocaine Bear is mostly just a wild animal, Meth Gator is smart enough to fake his own death via shedding his skin after tanking the RPG shell, knowing it’d be able to let him get meth later due to him being presumed dead. On top of that, Meth Gator has also shown the ability to open latches and adapt to situations quickly, and even without the stat edge, his skin is just too tough for Cocaine Bear to get through, considering how consistently he tanks bullets and shotgun shells. I mean, really - Meth Gator had to have a mortar shell or a two that caused a huge explosion to actually put him down, and even then the movie kind of implies he might have survived that? Somehow? Don’t ask man, you don’t wanna know. And even then, there’s a weird off-screen explosion feat that you could argue gets even higher for Meth Gator, if you really wanna seal Cocaine Bear’s fate. Do you really think Cocaine Bear is gonna stand a chance against this guy? While she may be faster on land, it doesn’t really matter when Meth Gator is just this much stronger, and is smart enough to just use stealth to take out the bear with his superior intellect. And if that’s not enough, he also takes skill and experience - he surgically takes out cars with single swipes and lasts for far longer - multiple days, in fact - while Cocaine Bear is only shown lasting about a single night, Meth Gator lasts for multiple days 

So, in conclusion, while these drugged up animals may have been terrors to all, the Meth Gator’s incredible strength, raw durability, and sharp mind ultimately tore Cocaine Bear a new one. Take Drugs! Kill a Bear!

Anyways see you all in Korra vs. Delsin! 

Bang

“Cocaine Bear Death Battle when?” -me past 1 AM

Taking a bit of a side quest before Knight vs Apollyon drops…

The animal kingdom was here before we were, but throughout their millions of years of evolution, they haven’t quite seen anything like…drugs? Cocaine Bear and Meth Gator take a hilarious spin on the matter, asking the question that no one has asked before; what would happen if animals take drugs? Well if the true cocaine bear story is anything to go by, they would die very quickly. But Hollywood are big fans of milk, so they turned the concept into a comedy horror movie about a powerful apex predator on drugs, and then more people wanted a piece of the pie, spawning a lineage of really bad animals-on-drugs movies; Cocaine Cougar, Crackodile, Crackcoon, and…Cocaine Crabs from Outer Space? But among all these cheap imitations, only one can call itself the true mockbuster of the Cocaine Bear, and the only real inspiration; the Meth Gator. A rivalry that stands taller than Goku vs Superman, spans farther than Mario vs Sonic, and is so beloved by all, that The Asylum movie studio themselves endorsed Death Battle to do Cocaine Bear vs Meth Gator. From that day forward, all rivalries in the animal kingdom bowed their heads and confessed their lies for the most legendary debate to ever grace this secondary niche hobby. Everything you know about these great animals, their habitats, and any real genuine tertiary factors are thrown aside, because these two are on drugs. Cocaine vs meth, bear vs gator. Who takes home the…addiction?

Now normally, a standard black bear vs standard gator would be a solid ass-whooping in the bear’s favor on land, whereas naturally a gator would win via death roll in the water. But the drugs these two take further enhance them to a point where environment hardly matters due to many absurd feats in both of their films. In general they have many similar feats, like ripping apart humans and overpowering vehicles, but comparing their other feats, one has a very clear advantage over the other in strength and durability. 

And surprisingly…it's not the bear. 

It’s the fucking alligator. 

I couldn’t believe my eyes while we were watching it but it’s true, the Meth Gator completely dominates in raw physicality. The best feat the Cocaine Bear would have is pretty much just ragdolling an ambulance, which most bears can already do anyways without cocaine, but the Meth Gator’s feats completely knock Cocaine Bear out of the park. This thing can overpower a radio tower with its sheer weight, dent/knock over cars with its tail, destroy a firefighter truck, and survive a fucking RPG. While yes, it was temporarily knocked out, the fact that he ate it, got knocked out with his body and inside still intact, and just shed his skin to walk away is unlike anything we’ve seen the Cocaine Bear survive. While at the end of the film it did come back from the brink of death after being shot, the Meth Gator has tanked all manner of gunfire in its film, from basic pistol shots to full-blown machine gun fire and shotgun pellets, none of which could penetrate the skin. It is a completely different level of raw power and durability, and already the alligator had the stronger bite force, but now it is on a playing field that just trumps the Cocaine Bear in almost every way.

In terms of speed however, the Cocaine Bear would still easily be ahead on land. While the Meth Gator moved far faster then its standard running speed on land, black bears in general run 30 mph, and it shows when Cocaine Bear caught up to an ambulance despite being obstructed by the forest in general. In water naturally, Meth Gator would be faster since, well…that’s its environment and while a black bear can swim, it's not as precise and dangerous in the water compared to a gator whatsoever. 

And to put a nasty nail in this coffin, tactically the Meth Gator has everything he needs to stand a chance against the Cocaine Bear, and on the contrary, the bear’s options are now incredibly limited, next to none even. You can’t even argue that the bear would be more agile than the gator, as while it can climb trees, the gator can not only close the gap by just jumping as high, but it's quick enough on its own, and uses its tail for range to match the bear’s somewhat long limbs. Bears in a fight are incredibly aggressive, and will not hesitate to neutralize a threat by clawing and overpowering them, but the gator’s already tough hide would make this insanely difficult, and going in close for a bite would just be met with a gator chomping down on him the moment the bite fails. While you can argue the bear could tip the gator over and attack his underbelly, the sole fact that an RPG failed to obliterate the Meth Gator’s body means that it's going to take a lot more than a typical bear mauling to have a chance at harming it, and before that can even happen, the gator just needs one good bite on its head or anywhere else to start doing damage, whether on land or not, and the tail can also bring it down for the gator to do some serious damage of its own, and it can easily drag the bear into the water for a nice and breezy death roll.

Both of these animals are very enhanced with their respective drugs, but the Meth Gator just outclasses Cocaine Bear in almost everything. Its stronger and more durable, has range with its tail, a more powerful bite, and more reliable killing methods to overtake the apex predator. The advantage the Cocaine Bear would have is faster on foot, but it hardly matters unless she's trying to outrun the Meth Gator, because if not, then the Meth Gator wins the fight of the century.

There is no pun. Don’t do drugs kids.

Spirit

(I can't believe this is my first solo verdict)

Out of all the talks I've had with Bang, Door and Tru, I never thought we would talk about doing a blog for Cocaine Bear vs Meth Gator. The equivalent of which do singers prefer using, Cocaine Bear vs Meth Gator is literally the battle of drugs.

Stats

Cocaine is a hell of a drug, so much so that it allows Cocaine Bear to break through signs made of wood, Rip a door off its hinges, and tear through people like paper. However the thing is that this applies to any Bear even without the influence of Coke. When it comes to the average bear, Black Bears are considered stronger than Mountain Lions and have a bite force of 800 PSI and can hit with the force of 650 lbs. Speed wise, bears can run at 30 mph, much faster than the average human, and are able to keep up with an ambulance. In Terms of durability, the bear can handle some damage like sticks dropping on their heads and even a gunshot, more on that later. The Methhead known as Meth Gator, on the other hand, is able to take down a fucking Radio Tower, with regular gators having a even deadlier bite force compared to Black Bears. The bite of an alligator is 3000 PSI, over three times stronger than a Black Bear. In terms of speed, Gators can swim at 20 MPH and this Gator can swim and jump to a zipline in a second. Overall it seems like Cocaine Bear is faster. Now we come to durability, in which Meth Gator fucking annihilates. Nothing the Cocaine Bear has in the film and what real life bears have, is matching a GOD DAMN ALLIGATOR surviving an RPG! So overall, the Gator is stronger and tougher to a degree in which Cocaine Bear being faster doesn’t matter. 

Abilities

Ability wise, the bear is screwed here too. The Alligator is not only bigger via Meth and being able to shed its skin, it gets stronger the more meth it gets. Compared to the Cocaine induced Smokey, the best it gets is being able to come back from the dead and healing from a bullet wound, allowing it to survive being shot. However there's nothing to suggest that the bear can come back from being ripped apart or being able to do it again. The  regeneration doesn't seem to be potent enough to heal from more damage than just a bullet. Claws wouldn't matter as Meth Gator's body is able to withstand bullets from shotguns and rifles. Plus its shedding would allow it to grow bigger and although similar to the bear's regen in which we don't know how potent it is and if it can do it again, it would still make the Gator bigger and have an advantage in size. 

So overall, the Gator would be having the size advantage and defense against Cocaine Bear’s claws

Experience and Skills

Literally doesn't matter, they're on drugs. Well actually unlike the Bear, Meth Gator is actually smart via being able to open locks and still move regularly but faster. So that's another point for Meth Gator.

Conclusion

Yeah wish I could say more but there's not much to talk about, Meth Gator just annihilates Cocaine Bear. Smokey might be faster but there's nothing he could do to use that speed for an advantage. Meth Gator simply just annihilates and will soon beat Goku.

Advantages and Disadvantages 

Cocaine Bear

“Devil bear.”

Advantages:

• Faster on land

• Better-ish movie

Equal:

• Stealthy

• D.R.U.G.S

Disadvantages:

• Everything else

Meth Gator

“Okay, it ate 50 pounds of meth and is 30 feet long! It’s extraordinarily unpredictable and extremely dangerous.”

Advantages:

• Far stronger and more durable

• Faster in the water

• Superior senses

• Better range with its tail

• Noticeably bigger

• Smarter 

• More skilled and experienced

• More reliable kill methods

Equal:

• Stealthy

• D.R.U.G.S

Disadvantages: 

• Slower on land

• Worse movie

Votes

Team Cocaine Bear: [0] (Bro is cooked… literally)

Team Meth Gator [4] (Tru, door-kun, Bang, Spirit)

Thank You

Thank you all for joining us on this wild… wild ride. This blog was done as a 24 challenge between me and my goats door (who streamed Meth Gator for the greatest watch party ever), Bang (started the topic to lead to this idea in the first place), and Spirit (He watched Meth Gator with us while at work). On the note of it being a 24 hour challenge admittedly it isn't the MOST polished but it's still pretty solid and for a match this small, perfectly does what it needs to (at least in my biased opinion). Quick apology for not being able to link everything as all of the Meth Gator links were done by door and we didn't want to make her work too hard as she had already done so much. We linked the most important feats and you will just have to trust us on the rest. As we said at the top I would also like to thank Ninja and Cabbage for doing some of the awesome images seen towards the top of the blog. This blog was super fun to research and make and I can't thank everyone who worked on it enough for their help and you for reading it. Now remember this blog and let's nominate it for blog of the year.